Please panic
Unlike, say, everyone else in the entire world, I make it a habit to check the weather every morning. Sure, it's not an exact science, but I find that knowing when to take an umbrella or that it's not a good day for short sleeves are the kinds of things that can make this life a little more bearable. Not everyone agrees, though, and I find out who believes that weather forecasting is nothing but superstition by seeing the people who come into work soaked from head to toe, or shivering in their short pants on the day a so-called cold front rolls into town.
Checking the weather has other advantages as well, such as getting a heads-up on what part of our country is being sucked into the hungry mouth of Hell:
In a surprise to absolutely no one, Satan goes after the midwest first. I wonder which was more valuable to 'bubba: the blind religious conservativism? The mass fast food consumption? The horrible accents? Maybe a combination of all of those things. So knock four stars off of your flags, look for alternate routes on your cross-country drives, and look forward to having the Chiefs in LA and the Royals in Portland, because Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas and Oklahoma are now levels 10-14 of Hell.
I knew that was gonna happen!
4 comments:
Well, hell, the next stop for that red blob is me! And I was wondering why the high today is 80+ and tomorrow it's 74. Cus' you know, as far as weather in America is concerned - shit generally flows east.
Better start preparing my basement...
Well, you may be having some bad weather in Ca$hville, but I know what I see on that map, and I see a portal to Hell opening up over a four-state area. Do gaping chasms into the underworld also--like shit--generally flow east, too?
Also, since the portal to Hell is opening up in the ground, is this considered a geologic issue? If so, I defer to you. And wonder if geology majors at Christian schools would be allowed to do their thesis on the geology of Hell.
I don't think it's anything to worry about. I think that's just where the Lord (pronounced The Lowered) set his coffee mug down while planning his discipline on the godless ketchup fuckers.
Ohhhhh...I didn't realize what i was looking at this morning. Yeah, this is definitely a geologic issue (if you go by the new definition of the word "science" which the kind legislature of Kansas has provided for us), and those hell holes will generally grow (in all directions) if left unchecked - and how do you check them? God the Engineer of course...and cement...lots and lots of cement.
Not just Christian schools - my thesis involved that very topic - but since I was at a state school, my title was in code, so you'll need to substitute the word "Hell" for "Spartanburg, SC". (dag)
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