The waiting is the hardest part
Settle down for a story that I've been meaning to tell for a while, but am only telling now because it got a new chapter last night.
The story is of a man named Jeff. Jeff is a waiter. But he's not just a waiter; he's one of the worst waiters in the world. He's worked at the same restaurant for years, a place that I go to with my friends almost every week for cheap burgers. In the beginning, Jeff was downright rude, snapping at us, rudely rushing us through every process of the meal and once even hitting one of us on the arm for ordering too slowly.
He eventually lost his rudeness, replacing it almost overnight with a ridiculous impression of cheerful customer service. His surly style was bad, but his sugary act is almost worse. And he was still a terrible waiter, clearing off our plates when our mouths were still full, giving us the check or clearing off the sugar and salt while we were still eating.
I can only take so much before the theory of "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" wears off, and I just can't bring myself to put on a big smile and be polite to someone who's so rude. And so I stopped the smiles and was all business. I was never outright nasty to him, and I'm not one of those people who'll yell at a waiter or be condescending, though I sometimes couldn't help but be a little short with him.¹
But then I caught a fly with vinegar. While I wasn't rude, it apparently was clear enough that I wasn't happy with him (I'm fine with that showing), and it apparently got under his skin. One night, after we'd been sat and gone through our standard procedure of being disappointed with seeing that Jeff was our waiter, he came over to take our order, leaned over the table, looked right at me and said, "If I have ever done anything to upset you, I am so sorry."
We were all a little shocked and very uncomfortable with this, but I said, "Don't worry about it" and ordered. I can't say I didn't appreciate him saying something, but I also can't say that it made everything better. Again, I'm not going to yell at him or lecture him or anything, but I'm also not going to tell him that everything's alright or that, no no, he'd never done anything to upset me.
Still, I tried to pull myself to be nicer to him after that. After all, he was clearly making an effort (way too much of an effort, but still), and I knew I was being too much of a crank, so I forced myself to smile and give him a relatively cheerful hello when we saw him. I even ran into him once in Dupont and he gave me his overdone "HEY!" greeting. I tried to be nice.
We sat in his station last night, and he was overly cheerful again, actually trying to make small talk, and my inner Miss Manners kept saying to me, "Now now, Reid. Be nice. It won't hurt you and it'll make him happy." So I did my best.
But he was driving us crazy. One of us was taking a while in finishing, but that didn't keep him from bringing the bill, clearing off the condiments and asking us if we wanted dessert while our poor guest still had half a burger in his hand. Finally, when he stopped over for about the 50th time to ask us yet again if there was anything he could get us, I couldn't help myself and said brusquely, "No, we're fine. He's still eating."
Five minutes later, he comes out with a huge chocolate brownie whipped-cream dessert, saying, "It's on me, guys. Enjoy!" Unbelievable.
I only had a single bite, partly because I was full from the burger, and partly because I couldn't shake off the paranoia that maybe he had, um, added a few extra ingredients. It's probably a ridiculous thing to think, and I'm sure he'd burst into tears if he knew I thought that, but still...it was hard to get it out of my head.
We got up from the table and stood near the bar waiting while one of us was in the bathroom, and he came up to us again, sugary sweet, asking us if everything was okay, and, amazingly, "Is there anything else I can get for you guys?" We were done! We were up from the table, almost out the door! What else would we want?!
The theory that he likes me has been put forward a few times, but I don't think that's it. I think he's somehow become obsessed with somehow trying to get this guy who's clearly unhappy with him to give him praise and be thrilled at the job he's doing as a waiter. I'm not sure if I should try to give him friendly tips like, "Maybe you shouldn't pull a plate from the table when the person is still chewing," or what, but at this point, I'm almost inclined to stay on the cold side, just to keep him on his toes.
The moral of the story: It's so weird.
¹ This apparently runs in the family, as my sister, who keeps her own table with her own friends on the same night at the same restaurant also can't help but be curt with Jeff.
9 comments:
Oh my god. Another chapter is right. He introduced free desert into the equation. Yet, he is still being incredibly rude in completing the most basic waiter duties. I don't get it. It's like some abusive relationship where the abuser thinks gifts are going to make up for the hitting! I need to join ya'll next week to see how this unfolds.
It's very strange - wouldn't it be easier for him to just be a decent waiter than have to keep playing make up with you all the time? I mean, it doesn't sound like you all don't demand that much - just courtesy and the chance to actually finish a meal or two.
Oh, and maybe he's blogging about the guy and his sister who makes him feel really awkward when he serves them burgers.
I feel pretty qualified to respond to this since I've been waiting tables for more years than I care to count and think I've gotten awfully good at it.
If there was a regular whom I waited on a lot and who clearly wasn't happy with me, I would much prefer he make specific complaints as opposed to generally letting his dissatisfaction show. If you have something as specific as "Maybe you shouldn't pull a plate from the table when the person is still chewing" that you can say to him, then for chrissakes say it man! If you're already being an obviously unhappy customer, then what's stopping you? Right now you're indicting him without letting him know what he's being accused of, and that's not the American way, at least not until Patriot Act II is enacted.
I'm not saying it'll make him a better server. The guy sounds like a real sphincter. But it might at least stop him taking plates while people are still chewing, and that'll make your dining experience a little better, anyway.
You have a point, Hans. I probably should tell him. It's a good life lesson that extends beyond waiter-customer: if something bugs you so much that it's affecting your enjoyment of it, better to do something to try and make it better than just be cranky.
But...while I didn't give a powerpoint presentation on how to be a not-aggravating waiter to someone who's been waiting tables for years, I *have* told him on several occasions not to take my plate because, "I'm still eating!" or "He's not done yet!" Having to sit down with him and have a little talk would probably rile me up even more.
On top of that, it's cheap burgers. This isn't a fancy restaurant. It's hard to pull myself together to care that much. It's just annoying. And now awkward.
And on top of all of that, part of my problem is my grudge-holding. As overly nice as he is now, I still can't look past the days when he was downright nasty. At least now, we just groan a little bit when we end up in his station; we used to see him heading over to us and would kiss the possibility of a pleasant evening goodbye.
Maybe other people who have been subjected to Jeff will weigh in...
I don't know how else to describe this. Whether he's doing his can't-be bothered-to-make-eye-contact-and-let you-finish-your-order-before-moving-on to-the-next-person routine, or his woah-he-is-creeping-me-out-with-his-over-eagerness -please-routine, Jeff always manages to make the normally mundance process of ordering food (burgers and fries, no less) somehow stressful. To enhance the narrative here, also, let me put forward that he looks like a young, gay Patrick Swayze.
Patrick Swayze looks gay anyway. And just to confuse the Googlers, let me throw in the words naked, cock, and muppet fucking.
Next time he tries to take your plate away, hold onto it and start growling at him. Usually works for me.
What's also bizarre about this is that I always assumed the 1/2 price burger night was designed to get more people in there during Monday Night Football, when people will sit at their tables all night long drinking beer (the added beer revenue outweighing the lost burger revenue). If they're shooing you away from your table before you've bought multiple drinks per person, then all they're doing is losing money on burgers. Totally defeats the purpose.
You'd think so, wouldn't you? But the place actually almost completely clears out by 9:30. Almost no one stays around to watch MNF.
First to the business side of that. No. The purpose of a promotion like that is to get shitloads of people in the doors as prospective regular customers. Maybe some of them will come back on days that don't start with an M.
As far as offsetting the "lost burger revenue", I would guess that they might portion them a little smaller on half-price nights. Maybe go from 8 ounces to 6 or somthing like that. Even if they don't it's okay. In the restaurant world, even when you cut the price of something in half, you're still turning a profit because you mark up your cost by about 330%. If the promotion works (and it seems like it does -- you guys go there expressly for the cheap burgers) you have way more customers than you would if you didn't have the promotion. I'll take my odds by multiplying the slim profit margin many times over rather than looking at an empty house and multiplying the fatter profit margin only a few times.
On Monday nights, most casual restaurants have to resort to stuff like that to get any business. It's no coincidence that a lot of upscale restaurants aren't open on Monday nights. It's just a shitty day for business in the industry.
To weigh in on the Jeff thing: if the service is on the bad side of mediocre -- enough to damper your enjoyment of the night, and they're just burgers, what's the point of continuing to go there? The burgers can't be that good. I propose you guys find a new place to hang out on Monday nights. I mean, wouldn't you rather pay a few extra bucks to have a better time?
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