Forward questions

My twin sister really enjoys those email forwards that go around that ask odd and oddly-phrased personal questions and you're supposed to answer them and then send them on to everyone you know. A lot of people really don't like these things, and I can't say I blame them, but my sister is the only person I know who sends them to me, so it's not excessive, and I actually find out a pretty good deal about her.

To thank her for sharing, I respond to her with snarky, unhelpful answers that I hope, for her sake, she ignores. The following is my responses to a Christmas one I got from her the other day. Enjoy.

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
This question should actually be, "Do you like Egg Nog?", because there's no sense in comparing the two. The only time you can even drink egg nog without being looked at funny is in December, so take it while you can get it. Drink your hot chocolate in January and February, but go nog at Christmas.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Does Santa wrap presents?! Please. Santa has his slave-labor elves wrap the presents and then sends them back to the ice mines until the next November, when the whole process starts all over again. Meanwhile, Santa has a nice little international vacation to do the cushy job of just sitting the presents under the tree (hey! Don't break a sweat, Santa!), and hogs all the glory. People, the elves are fed up! There's a revolution brewing up there in the North Pole! Death to the tyrant Claus! Elf solidarity!

Maybe I misunderstood the question...

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
It's true that white lights are more classy, but my family was never classy, so we always had colored lights, and I now have an unbreakable nostalgia for them.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Depends on the severity of the crime.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
I have one dinky little fake plastic tree that I put up (literally "up": it goes on top of my six-foot 1960's bachelor-pad stereo cabinet) a few weeks before Christmas. That's the extent of the "decorations", unless you count the weight I put on. There's Christmas hanging off of me. My love handles are casting shadows.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Whichever one I'm eating at the time.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
My childhood Christmas memories are mostly just a whirl of over-excitement, shredded wrapping paper, and, ultimately, bratty disappointment. I enjoy Christmas a lot more as an adult.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
After sneaking past the security at the FBI building, I finally found the file that I was looking for, in the drawer marked "S. Claus". The manila folder was as fat as the man himself, and the violations, indiscretions and abuses were all there. These papers I held in my hand would finally give me the truth about Santa.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
What? Why? I mean...who? Why would you do such a thing? I don't understand. You open presents on Christmas. Christmas Eve is Vice President to Christmas's President; potato chips to Christmas's fries; Oates to it's Hall. Opening presents on Christmas Eve is how you know you're doing it wrong.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him?
I would just like to say that I like the use of the words "set out" in this question, as though the cookies are a trap.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love it in the air, hate it on the sidewalks.

12. Can you ice skate?
I can, but only in a circle, so dizziness becomes a factor.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Oh, yeah. The guitar I got in seventh grade: a Japanese Strat knock-off. All the strings broke off within a couple of months, so I really only used it to mime Van Halen and Prince guitar solos. Not too long later, I bought a drumset with my own money, so thanks for nothing, Santa.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Easy: the time off from work.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Pudding (aka "figgy pudding") with hard sauce, which I only liked after I learned to appreciate the "hard" in "hard sauce".

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
The moment when the tension of having to hold in my political opinions inside finally breaks thanks to the wine and I can openly point out the crater-sized holes in the neo-con "arguments" shooting out around me.

17. What tops your tree?
That sounds so dirty. I'm going to start using it when I do my "sleazy guy" character: "That really tops my tree if you know what I mean! Heh heh heh!"

18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving?
Yeah, like anyone's going to have the guts to answer "receiving". That's like asking, "Would you rather clothe and feed a houseful of orphans or sit on the couch in your sweatpants and watch Elf for the fifth time?" We all want the latter but will all answer the former out of fear of revealing ourselves as the selfish Americans we are.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol?
To sing: Angels We Have Heard On High. To listen to: O Holy Night.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
This question should actually be, "What kind of a psychopath doesn't like candy canes?!" Actually, that's my kind of questionnaire: one that's made up entirely of leading rhetorical questions, and you could only answer either, "I know!" or "Screw you!" to any of them.