Giving the ringing a final rest

On Saturday night, in a short and solemn ceremony, I signified a huge turning point in my life. It was a moment that broke a little part of my heart, a moment that was no less important than any moment where someone accepts an addiction, recognizes the damage it's done, and realizes that it's not going to get any better and that it's only finding the strength to resist the addiction that will do the trick.

I unplugged the earphones from my iPod, opened the bottom, most cluttered drawer of my desk, and put the earphones in there, deliberately tangling them in the process, intending to never use them again.

I've had tinnitus for a while, and I knew that I should do something about it. But there was a moment on Saturday when I realized it was well beyond just, "I have tinnitus", beyond just thinking of the constant ringing as a slight annoyance. I had gone to the gym, taking my iPod as I do, and put on my Adrenaline playlist, finding no small amount of energy in the LCD Soundsystem songs, in the Style Council, in Maximo Park. I listened for a half hour and then went to the locker room to change.

The second I took my earphones out, my ears were screaming. This was not the normal midrange note ringing that we've all had after going to a loud show, but an impossibly high-pitched note that I could hear even over the loud white noise in the locker room. Think of it as the difference between a note in the middle of a piano keyboard and Dr Venkman in Ghost Busters hitting the top two notes on the piano and saying, "They hate this." Except that those two notes are constant and audible even in a loud room.

I knew this moment would arrive sooner or later, but that doesn't make it any less sad. I love my earphones. I love the hours I've spent jumping around the apartment, dissecting the song and dancing to it at the same time. I love the range you can hear with headphones, love being able to take my music anywhere, giving myself a soundtrack to wherever I am. Those days are gone. I should have been more careful and I wasn't.

If I had access to my mp3s right now, I'd post "Seasons In The Sun".