The future is still now (even though it was also then)
Last summer, I moved into a hi-tech new apartment and gave a rundown of some of the futuristic features of my new home. But when you live inside such a technologically marvelous apartment, the wonders never cease, and I'm constantly finding more new and exciting features. Here's a few:
Sound Effects Plumbing
In most homes, people flush their toilets and then go back to sitting on their couches in absolute silence, and the lack of any ambient sounds slowly drives them insane and they end up shooting up their neighborhood. This is not a problem for me, though, as for hours after I flush my toilet, I'm treated to the soothing sounds of a babbling brook as the tank gurgles and drips and keeps me calm and relaxed. Additionally, if any of my neighbors flush their toilets, it's as though I'm at the beach, with the gentle noise of crashing tsunamis sounding throughout my apartment.
The Savory Bed
As children, we all had the same dream: to one day sleep in a head of garlic. But as we grow older and more realistic, those dreams fade...for most people. But thanks to my hi-tech apartment, I am finally living this dream. Because my bed is only a foot away from my kitchen, all I have to do is fry up a pan of garlic, and for several days afterwards, it's as though I was curled up amongst the cloves of a huge head of garlic, slumbering soundly while my olfactory senses work overtime.
The Safety Shower
In recent years, the number of shower-related deaths have skyrocketed. Why? Because the water temperature in most new showers stays constant, so people get bored, fall asleep and drown. But my shower has the exciting new feature of randomly unleashing a blast of scalding water, keeping me awake, focused...and alive.
5 comments:
Interesting...my shower has the feature of randomly blasting ice cold water.
Since my bedroom is essentially an open loft, I run into the same problem with cooking aromas. We should invent some kind of self-contained garlic fryer that vacuums out the smoke. We'd be millionaires.
roasting garlic while you sleep? sounds dangerous to me.
Scott, I'm only in on this garlic odor vacuum idea if we can have one of those hilarious commercials where they have "the OLD way of doing things", which shows someone having a grossly exaggerated hard time without the product. Like, say, being beaten to death by a clove of garlic.
Doug: Important safety tip. Thanks.
Reid, the commercial could also show how reeking like garlic affects the quality of life. Some guy goes out with his friends, and they refuse to sit near him. Or he brings a cute girl home, and the minute she smells his apartment, she bolts.
Doug, I thought that was one of the cures for insomnia. Put a little garlic on the stove, and let the quiet sizzling soothe you into a peaceful sleep.
Reid! I think your apartment and my apartment were designed by the same people. B- and I have many of the same features:
Buglar-proof-door - got it!
Little people sink - no, we have one for giants, but we do have a midget stove
Sort-It-Yrself® Mail - got it!
The TWO non-functional fireplaces - got em!
sound-effects plumbing - got it!
savory bed - yup, me too!
safety shower - you bet ya.
Did yours come with an ashtray next to the toilet?
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