Can't find a better man

I've never been a huge fan of Pearl Jam by most anyone's standards (though I know an awful lot about them for not being a fan), but I've admired them since the beginning. Ten was on heavy rotation for me in the summer of 1992, and some of their songs since then have impressed me, but while I've been on top of their album releases and drummer changes and impressive social conscience, I've been more aware than involved.

But now I've found myself working with them. Pearl Jam's guitarist Stone Gossard is highly involved with the environmental NGO where I work, and he's doing an online chat with us today. I'm suddenly knee-deep in Pearl Jam, checking out videos, catching up on buying some of the music that I've meant to buy for a while. I knew, of course, that they were a hugely popular band, but it wasn't until I got down to the nitty gritty that I've realized just how huge. The adoration and attention of their fan base is staggering.

And I've found myself--stupidly and irrationally--filled with envy. It's stupid in the same way harboring daydreams of winning the lottery is stupid. Maybe you play, but let what happens happen. Still, I've found those old feelings creeping back in now that I have contact with an actual human being who's living that dream that so many of us have had. Here's a man that has gotten everything I've ever wanted and had it for almost 16 years now, and it's triggered off that younger part of me that wanted that life more than anything. It's made me realize why I spent so many hours dreaming of exactly what I see him have.

I don't doubt that the members of Pearl Jam have their struggles and frustrating days like any of the rest of us, but watching their videos of recent shows and seeing that they seem to enjoy playing as much as I still do, but then seeing that they're doing it in front of tens of thousands and making millions of dollars...it's just enough to make a former rock star dreamer mighty envious.