Said

I'm inconsistent on Life Lessons. Even the ones that seem most obvious and helpful—Don't Email Mad, or Stop Drinking When You're Drunk, or Don't Go Just To See The Opening Band, Because Opening Bands Almost Always Sound Terrible—eventually slip, and I'm left with the frustration of not only making a bad mistake, but a mistake that I once swore I would never make again.

The lastest life lesson to slip is one that can have some really harsh consequences: Make People Say Exactly What They Mean. Just because it might seem really, really obvious what someone's saying to you in an emotional conversation, it may not be. So, for instance, if you're trying to beat me to death, I may stop for a second and make you say clearly whether you're actually trying to kill me or just give me a severe beating. Or if you're standing by my desk, nervously explaining the correct procedure for evacuating the building, please don't be offended if I said, "Shut up and just tell me this: is the building currently on fire?"

More to the point, if you seem—no matter how clearly—to either be breaking up with me or expressing romantic feelings for me, I'm going to ask you to say it outright, in clean, simple, clear language. I have a embarrassingly large collection of vague feelings delivered to me as both casual asides and emotional crying jags that seem very clear what they're saying, even without saying it. This is not true. I need clarification, because apparently, I've been getting all of you wrong.

So today, I swear to myself, to you, and whoever else is listening as you slowly ready this post out loud to yourself, that I will NEVER make that mistake again until the next time I make it.

Oh, and if any of you leave the "when you assume" bit in the comments, you will regret it for the rest of your life, which you will not have much more of.