Change in programming

Our regularly scheduled Are Seven post will not be seen today, due to some people unfairly expecting our hero to "work" for money. In its place, we are proud to present the following quality programming:

Reagan House
(TV-G) The Alexander family gives up their luxurious 2007 lifestyle to live exactly as they would have in 1982. The family runs into difficulty--to put it mildly--adjusting to only 54 channels of cable television (Mr Alexander: "How do I get to the other HBOs? And why do they keep showing Midnight Madness over and over?"), no ATMs, a state-of-the-art Commodore 64, and an Atari video game system. Season highlights include 13-year-old Joe's melt down after only 30 seconds of the game Adventure: "Why is it just a fucking square?!"

We apologize, but...

Today's finished post is being pulled at the last minute on account of several attacks of mild heartbreak making it too personal for general viewing. Interested parties may request a transcript by email.

In the meantime, please enjoy the following quality programming:

Are You Smarter Than An Absurdist? (TV-14): Contestants gather in front of a studio audience of lazy chickens sitting on Ayn Rand books open to page 87 to match wits with French absurdists from the 20th Century. Trivia questions include "Why?", "How?" and "God?", leading to the final round called "Suicide, A Leap of Faith, or Acceptance". The first contestant whose head explodes wins. Hosted by you.

I got sick and...woah-oh-woah

Today's post has been called on account of sickness. It's like my body is trying to make me find something: "Colder. Colder. Cold. Freezing cold. You're frozen in ice. Wait...warmer. Warmer. You're burning up! Holy crap, you're on fire! Wait...colder," and so on.

In place of today's post, Are Seven is proud to present the following quality broadcasting:

"Oh, Canada!" (pilot)
Clint McFirearm is your typical American troublemaker: loud, violent, and ill-mannered. As punishment for his latest crime, he's sent to live with the Pleasance family in Ontario to mend his rambunctious American ways. In the pilot, Clint loudly expresses an opinion, causing an immediate and deep rift between him and the Pleasances. Ultimately, Clint learns to be a little quieter, a little more polite, and a little more likely to express his opinions in thought-out letters and deliver them with a smile. The episode ends, as all episodes in the series will, with Clint looking in the camera, shaking his head and laughing, and saying, "Oh, Canada!" Rated TV-MA for American language like "I'd like to tap her syrup if you know what I mean!"

Please note the following schedule change for Tuesday

The regularly scheduled broadcast of Word Practice will not be aired today due to heaviness of heart and workload. In its place, areseven.com is proud to present the following quality programming:

Slut Machines
Four women of completely incompatible personalities live the fast life in Las Vegas, where they talk about sex, not having enough sex, wanting to have more sex, and how all men ever think about is sex. In the series premiere, Tammi goes after her hunky aerobics instructor because she hopes to have sex with him. Meanwhile, Karyn and her fiance don't have sex for almost 24 hours, causing her to worry about the strength of their relationship. Based on the popular book, Where Have All The Hot, Rich, Tall, Well-Endowed But Also Nice Guys Gone? (Note: this series has already been canceled. Seasons 1 and 2 will be available on DVD in March)

Please note the following schedule change

The regularly scheduled broadcast of Word Practice will not be aired today due to a broken heart and a heavy workload. In its place, areseven.com is proud to present the following quality programming:

CSI: Monroe Elementary Afternoon Recess
Chemistry nerds Joe and Kimmi use their studies to help out victims of ouchies and boo-boos. This week, the team analyzes a shredded pair of tighty whities to track down the perpetrator—and the victims—of a savage series of atomic wedgies. TV-MA