This Is Illness

God, I've been so bored. Being sick sucks anyway, but being in the same apartment for four days without any decent human contact just adds insult to infirmity.

But my best friend in the whole world was there for me, as he always is. TV, you never let me down. Here's what me and TV talked about over the last four days.

Pan's Labyrinth
...which I can now put just behind the The Sweet Hereafter and Dead Man Walking on my list of Movies That I Loved But Never Want To Watch Again. I'm not ashamed to admit that, after about the first 15 minutes, I had to turn the lights back on. I would say that it's a triumph to create a human character so evil that even the most grotesque fantasy creature couldn't come close to his scariness, but then again: X ALMIGHTY DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE WITH EYES IN HIS HANDS?!! Nightmare city.

This Is England
A fantastic movie whose incredible acting was only outdone by the soundtrack selections. This song should be part of everyone's collection, which I say because it's now part of mine:

Toots and the Maytals, "54-46 Was My Number"


Football
There were some great games on this weekend. Thanks, TV! You always know how to cheer me up when I'm sick. TV and I noticed that, once again, it seems like ownership trumps talent in the NFL. It doesn't matter what kind of talent the Saints and Bengals put on their teams: ultimately, they're the Saints and the Bengals, and that beats out any amount of Bushes, Palmers or Johnsons. Hmmm...that last bit sounds like the punchline to a stupid dirty joke. Sorry.

Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
I usually consider myself pretty channel-blind when it comes to my TV surfing. Whatever looks interesting, I'll watch, but I rarely pay attention to which of the hundreds of cable channels I'm watching.

But I can usually tell when I've come across MTV when all of the people on my screen seem borderline retarded. Seriously: in the '80's, I was one of the worst students in my school, barely scraping by and making terrible grades. But if I was 15 years old now, I would guess I'd be the smartest kid in class, getting A's from frustrated teachers only because I know how to spell "you're" instead of "ur".

So I turned on Shot At Love for a trainwreck, and I got it. But while I question the "reality" of this show, it's actually a pretty interesting concept: contestants vie for the affections of the hostess, but the hostess is bisexual, so it's a house full of vacuous men and stripper lesbians¹ (a third, less-known category of lesbian). I really wish I could trust the sincerity of the contestants and the hostess (who I believe is looking for "love" as much as Brett Michaels is), because it's a kind of fascinating psychological study in gender and sexuality.

But from the "scenes from the season" shown at the end of the episode, it pretty much looks like they're all idiots, so "fascinating" is probably far, FAR down the list of adjectives that anyone would use to describe this show.

¹ These two words are going to bring a lot of unwanted search engine traffic my way. Sorry to disappoint you, boys.

Goodbye Ma

Who's been watching Ken Burns' The War? And among those of you who have been, who else chuckles at the intro sentence, "Corporate sponsorship for The War is provided by..." They should say the same thing before Bush press conferences.

The War is, predictably, a little bit disappointing. It's a huge undertaking, and has to err on the side of entertainment over historical precision, but still...there's got to be more to that era than just the fighting, the internment of Japanese-Americans, and the always-incomprehensible segregation of black Americans. All three of those stories are ones always worth re-telling, and even after hearing them repeatedly, they all still shock as much as they always did, but you wouldn't really think that anything else happened in those days. Couldn't Ken Burns, in six years of research, have turned up rarely documented parts of '41-'45 and presented them along with those things we need reminding of?

As the Post pointed out, very few of the first person accounts approach the personality of Shelby Foote, the historian that helped make Burns' The Civil War so amazing, but that's a little unfair. Shelby Foote was one of a kind. Quentin Aanenson, the fighter pilot comes close, though I find his resemblance to an elderly Dwight Schrute takes a little of the edge off of his stories, though maybe that's a good thing. Anyway, though many of the stories are really intriguing and some impossibly sad and moving, there still seems to be a lot of...romance in the stories from some of the civilians. It just seems as though they're often saying too much of what they feel like they should be saying, and often surprisingly un-eloquently, and with somewhat forced dramatic weight.

But in spite of the weight I just gave the negatives, The War is still absolutely worth watching. The stories of the actual warfare are brutal, especially from the stories of the South Pacific. Not just "people died around me", but the accumulation of experiences of torture, pain and death that would be horrifying once in a lifetime, but to have to see it multiple times in the span of weeks...it's amazing that these people were able to carry on with their lives after the war. And the stories of segregation are still so shocking. It's hard not to fantasize about a historical do-over: here were Americans willing to sacrifice for their country and yet were turned away and kept without even basic American freedoms. How different could things have been if the war had revealed just how clearly wrong it was? But that didn't happen, and knowing that as you hear the stories is tragic.

Endnote #1: One other thing that comes through in The War is that, apparently, whenever anyone in the early '40's met a gal or a fella that they liked, they had to go home and tell a friend or relative, "I just met the man/woman I'm going to marry." Were people really this in tune with exactly who they were going to marry back then? Or did they just say it all the time, leading to plenty of disappointment, but ultimately giving them a great story they could tell for decades afterwards?

Endnote #2: It's always hard to for me to hear about aviation in WWII without thinking of the one good song on Pink Floyd's The Final Cut. Listening to it years after I heard it last, it's pretty ridiculous, but the first two verses make anything that comes after it worthwhile, and the line, "Goodbye Ma, after the service, when you're walking slowly to the car" gives me chills always, but downright moves me to tears in the wake of the tragic stories from The War.

Pink Floyd, "The Gunner's Dream"

Could someone please take ownership of this country? Oh. Thank you.

Another football season starts, another round of terrible commercials to punish those of us who are cursed to care about football.

Oh, but wait. There's a twist this year. The twist is that the commercials are exactly the same as last year. There's the creepy "it's the meers" little girl, the same Chemical Bros/Q-Tip Bud commercial, the strangely disturbing painted-film Schwab commercials, and those moderately-funny coach press conference that will make me chuckle a little bit the first 3-4 times I see them and then groan the next 4000 times. And then there's the fucking "this is our country" spots being played in—and I would be willing to make a wager on this one—every single commerical break without exception. In a move to keep our sanity, Christian and I have decided to stop hating it and adopt it as our rally cry: "Yeah! This is our country! Woooo!"

It's week one and I'm already hurting. Mute button, guide me to February.

Some velvet morning when I'm straight

Ah, readers. You're going to have to give me a few days to catch my breath. My life is in Serious Change mode right now, which you're welcome to imagine as as a special-effects masterpiece, with me writhing on the floor, covered in glowing slime and growing mutant parts, like wings and antennae, and I'm screaming in pain as this bizarre and horrifying new form takes hold. It's not much like that, of course, but some days it feels like that.

Where your patience comes into play is that single-subject posts are going to be hard to come by. My mind is wandering way too much, often in directions that it shouldn't (namely: the past), so focus is precious these days.

So, miscellany:

...

If you're looking for a good reality show that reminds you just how low a human being can go, you could do worse than Rock Of Love, the show where Brett Michaels of Poison "fame" tries to find love amongst a group of skanks that he's sharing a mansion with. In the 45 minutes I've seen of the show, I can say with all conviction that there's no better place to see the delusion that blurs the lines between love and lust. The girls all claim to want Michaels for his personality and Michaels himself? What a piece of work. In one moment, he says that he's always had a soft spot for strippers, and then tries to pass it off as a deep caring for their plight. As a matter of fact, he tries to pass almost everything off as deep caring. It's a trainwreck. You gotta watch it.

...

I was looking for a new book, and so I turned as I always do to a post a year ago where I asked you all for recommendations. The comments on this post reminded that you bunch are brilliant. You're hilarious and insightful, and I always love those threads that get lots of comments, not because it somehow justifies this page, but because I love the conversation. Hell, if I had my way, each and every one of you would have a page exactly like this one.

I know it seems a little desperate and sad to beg for comments, but I love it when you say what's on your mind. This page has survived for as long as it has mostly because it's become a great way to keep in touch with people. So I just hope that, whenever you have something to say, you don't hold back. The audience here is small, and it's the thoughts that count. Don't worry about crafting them, and don't think that whole groups of strangers will see it (trust me: you know most of the audience), just...at long last, say it.

...

I've finally started watching Flight of the Conchords and it's as funny as Nicole and Christian claimed it to be. The deadpan delivery of often-corny jokes is fantastic. Maybe I need to just count the pennies and go ahead and subscribe to HBO.

...

At down moments in life, some song always comes along whose cheering powers can't be denied. Thank you, Junior Senior:
"Can I Get Get Get":

Live blogging Live Earth

Watching part for work, part because it's something to have on. Refresh this page as necessary.

9:30: Wolfmother are awful. The music is pretty fun, but when you add in the lyrics, they seem more like a satire of '70's heavy blues rock than a tribute to it. Rotten stuff.

9:45: Crowded House in Sydney, who is maybe going a little too much with the "sing along with me" stuff. I know it's amazing to hear thousands sing your song, but woah...every song?! Still, they sound amazing, and "Fall At Your Feet" gives me visible goosebumps, like it always does. If they come to DC, I'm going.

9:50: The lights go off in the Sydney stadium, which Neil Finn plays off perfectly as "I think they're making a statement". Looks like an accident.

10:00: Linkin Park could not be any worse. Get Wolfmother back on!! And note to all of the non-Japanese performers in Tokyo: Many people in Japan do not speak English. So telling the crowd, "I can't hear you" is likely to get back a silence which translates to, "We can't understand you!"

At this point I paused the DVR to go get breakfast, so times are not exact.

10:45: I like Rhianna. I really do. What do you call that beat, with the handclaps on 1-2-3-4 and the bass drum slinky underneath? I love it. I guess it's an offshoot of the marching band beat that caught on for too-short a time a couple years ago.

11:00: The all-drum London intro gives me chills. Is that Roger Taylor of Queen on the drums? He looks like he's playing drums for the first time. The Foo Fighter's Taylor Hawkins has seemed like kind of a chump in all of the interviews I've read with him, but the dude does seem to love his drumming.

11:10: Genesis in London. "Turn It On Again" sounds pretty lackluster, like it never got turned back on, but it's extremely comforting to me to see that Phil Collins' drumset has not changed a single bit in 30 years.

11:22: They're really stretching it to get Antarctica in there with this band made up of South Pole scientists called Nunatak. I did read a really great article recent (can't remember where...Salon? Pitchfork?) about the band scene in Antarctica. There are several places to play, and it reinforced how much of a difference it makes to have such a small scene. It's impossible to be unsupportive. So you think Nunatak really stink....what are you going to do? Wait for The Arcade Fire to include you on their tour? I don't think so. Go see Nunatak. They're not that bad.

11:26: The guy from Bands Reunited is interviewing some Australian guy with big arms and a goofy hat. I can tell by the way he's dressed that his music sucks. It's a power I have.

11:27: This guy is identified at Keith Urban. So I was right. Good to hear he's making some green changes, though. See that world? Even crappy music can make a difference.

11:29: Sarah Brightman in Shanghai. Jesus. You can't say this day of concerts doesn't have variety. I'm hitting the Fast Forward button. I would kiss my DVR if I didn't think it would get the wrong idea.

11:37: The broadcast is definitely keeping consistent with the message of Live Earth: there's a good amount of stuff about how you can green your life. It's a good message: you can make small changes. Don't worry about selling all your possessions and swearing off electricity. Just do a few things.

11:38: Good idea: put Shakira in rainy Hamburg. I'm sure she's HUGE there. Holy shit! She sounds TERRIBLE! Right now, there is no one in the world who loves computer pitch correction than Shakira. Fast-forwarding.

11:39: AAAAAAGGGGHHH! WHERE'S THE REMOTE CONTROL?!!!

11:40: There it is. Thank God. I stopped the fast-forwarding for a second because I was sure that Shakira's guitar wasn't plugged in. I was kind of disappointed to see that it was. But then I found out that it's Shakira that sings that awful "Don't bother me, I'll be fine" song. I've hated that song for a long time. I don't mind that other song of hers...sick of it, but it's a good beat. But this one? I just dry-heaved.

11:59: Uh oh. Bad Genesis is on: "Invisible Touch". And oh no! Phil Collins, for some incomprehensible reason, just changed the line to "And though she will fuck up your life". What...did he think that maybe people thought he didn't know any curse words? Way to prove them wrong, Phil. Way to prove them wrong.

12:10: I can't the Black Eyed Peas without thinking of Scott's comments that they're like the new Electric Mayhem, the band on the Muppets. There's something very Muppet-esque about them. Maybe that's why I actually think they're pretty enjoyable. Except for "My Humps". If that comes on, BEPs are getting the FF.

12:33: AWESOME! Duran Duran are playing "Planet Earth"!!! It's an obvious choice for the day, but I love them for pulling out a fan favorite instead of one of their globally-acknowledged super hits. These guys all look pretty good, too. Is that Andy Taylor?! He looks great! Better than he did in the '80's!

What does it say that so many of the acts at a huge global concert are throwbacks? I guess you could say the same with Live Aid to some extent with Led Zeppelin and Queen, but still...is anyone out there really holding out for a big moment like U2 had at Live Aid, where you realize that this is a new band that's destined to get massive? It just doesn't happen anymore.

1:24: Red Hot Chili Peppers are playing. That's the only thing I have to say about it. Really. There is absolutely nothing about their performance that inspires a single additional thought except that: they are definitely playing.

1:40: Something identified as "The Soweto Gospel Choir + Danny K" in Jo-burg actually looks like The Drum Cafe, as identified by their t-shirts. By far and away the best thing I've seen since Crowded House. Then who I presume is Danny K comes on and he's pretty boring.

2:06: Could someone please get Keane a bassist? I'm all for unorthodox lineups, but man...talk about something missing.

Break for a shower. DVR back in fast-forwardable state.

2:55: Metallica in London. James Hetfield looks like some mountain man grandpa these days. It's actually really cool. And how can you not love bassist Robert Trujillo after seeing Some Kind Of Monster? His giddiness after he was told that he was not only going to be the new bassist for one of the world's biggest bands, but was going to be getting a million dollar bonus was absolutely priceles.

3:18: Okay, I can see the necessity of not showing these performances absolutely live, but they're now re-running Duran Duran's performance of "Notorious".

3:24: Awesome. The guitarist for Taking Back Sunday (who I am not enjoying at all) is wearing a Police Synchronicity vinyl jacket.

5:15: It's been nice catching up on these bands whose names I've heard but can't say the same for their music, bands like AFI and Fall Out Boy. Hearing them, it's hard to believe that rock and punk were ever rebellious. Some of it sounds catchy, but this stuff all sounds so bland and safe and static. I'm now flipping back and forth between Live Earth and Band of Brothers on the History channel.

Woke up this morning, spoilers in my head

Important note: this post is only for people who have either zero interest in the Sopranos or who have finished the whole thing. Otherwise: possible slight spoilers ahead.

As many of you already know, I'm a season behind on The Sopranos. I only know to the end of season 6, the semi-season finale where they're all sitting quietly around the Christmas tree with AJ's new girlfriend. This is as far as I know.

So you can probably guess that it's been driving me ABSOLUTELY INSANE trying to avoid all references to season seven. With movies, people will usually warn of spoilers before discussing, you know, the ending of the entire thing, but with TV, it's assumed that everyone is watching every episode as it happens, so therefore, everyone lets loose with major plot points and, oh, the ending of the entire thing. I already know too much.

I've been having to dive for volume knobs and on/off buttons when NBC Nightly News or Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me or the Today show start throwing out major plot points. I've had to yell at friends and relatives as they tell me what they think of as non-spoilers like, "Woah, this season is HUGE!" or "Someone really important gets it in the last episode!" People: these things are still spoilers.

Just when I thought the talk would start dying down, the humor-deficient and reason-impaired people behind Hillary Clinton's campaign have started to use THE FINAL SCENE in some sort of dumb campaign ad. I now have Johnny Sac's scowl to add to the puzzle pieces that will ruin my enjoyment of the final season. And while we're on the subject: Really? No one in Hillary's campaign thought that maybe associating Democrats with organized crime in any way at all might be a bad idea? Really? We've forgotten that a lot of conservatives already make that connection? And we're encouraging it? Really?

Anyway, now I need your help, Are Seven readers. I need to see this final season before the spoiler-dodging drives me completely insane. I don't have HBO anymore, so does anyone know where I could download the episodes? Or can someone who has HBO On Demand please go out of town and let me, oh, watch your cats and all of season seven at the same time?

A warning to kids about the shocking things your parents watch on TV

A couple months ago, when my parents came to look after me after my brain went haywire (or I fell, depending on which theory you prefer), my mom left some of her morning routines behind. She bought some good tea (much better than what I was drinking), some Activia (which, it's pipe-cleaning qualities aside, is by far the best yogurt I've tasted in my life), and left behind the Today show, which I've been watching more often than not in my morning routine.

My mom's watched the Today show for years, so I've always had a soft spot for it in spite of it's obvious flaws (which, clearly, I'll get to). Plus, it's all amounts of more tolerable now that Katie Couric's off the show, and nowhere near as bad as other shows like Good Morning, America, which I had to watch for a week last year for work, and one way or another, I will get those hours tacked back on to my life. Mark my words.

Besides the waving idiots outside the studio and the unbelievably corny jokes, my reunion with the Today show has produced one main gripe: the fear-planting. It's nothing that new, really. News shows (especially the local ones) of all kinds have made a business of pointing out dangers that you may not know about: exploding ice trays, elementary school kids who could have bombs strapped to them and not know it, aftershave that is more than 50% rat poison...we've heard it.

The big morning shows, though, do the alarming in one of two ways. The first is that they take a common phenomenon and make it out to me a shocking new trend that threatens to unbalance society. I couldn't believe it a few weeks ago when they were talking about this new trend called "hooking up". At first, I figured I was just getting more out of touch and that the term "hooking up" had changed and maybe it now it had something to do with fishing, but no: it's just relationship-free sex with someone you probably don't know very well. Maybe it's never been the best idea, sure, but new? Shocking? Lessening women's chance of ever getting married (like the Today folks want you to believe)? Um...not really.

The other kind of alarm is the one where they take an infrequent occurrence and make it sound as though it's sweeping the nation. This morning, they had one of their "an important warning to parents about your kids" segments (which they seem to have at least once a show, it seems) about "the choking game" in which they claimed that tons of teens (of course) all over the nation are strangling themselves to unconsciousness (and in one case, death) for a high. Of course, Today was there with warning signs about how to know your kids are doing this: marks on their necks, thuds on their floor (I'm not making this up), carrying a noose in their back pockets and that they're complete morons who don't know the difference between life and death. Okay, those last two are mine.

In all seriousness, I think that these spots do more harm than good. The first kind is relatively harmless, but still encourages viewers to judge and look down on a practice or way of thinking that's already established and they only know from a five minute segment. The second is just stirring up parents. I suppose there's a case to be made that parents should at least be informed, but do they have to be informed in such a hysterical way? I pity the kids who will be getting home from school today to "I need to ask you something: you aren't strangling yourself for fun, are you?" I especially pity the teenage boys who momentarily misunderstand what their Moms mean by "strangling".

In short: you may think your life is fine, but it is not. You need a lot more panic in your life. And I know just the place for you to find things to panic about.

Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?

Somewhere around the turn of the century, the stigma attached to bands letting their songs be used in shameless, money-grubbing commercials was almost completely removed. Bands were free from peer scorn to start making the big bucks for doing absolutely nothing except allowing people to forever associate their art with mortgage companies and SUV's, to turning the point of a song from kicking heroin to spending quality time with your family on a cruise ship. Times change. Besides the fact that, from the point that commercial airs onward, there is almost no way that anyone will think of anything other than the product (or at least the commercial), I think it's pretty understandable why an artist would allow it. I'm not crazy about the practice, but I can't really fault anyone for it.

But doesn't it seem like it's gotten a little out of control? I've heard The Jam's "Start", Magnetic Fields' "I Think I Need A New Heart", The Go Team's "Huddle Formation" and The Stone Roses' "Love Spreads" in commercials recently. The worst, of course, is the Violent Femmes' "Blister In the Sun" being used to shill Wendy's. WHO the HELL thought it was a good idea to advertise burgers with a song about masturbation?! Insert your own "special sauce" joke here.

My brain was scrambled this evening when I heard a familiar song over a commercial for some sort of financial service. The song was a version of "Gimme Some Money" by...wait for it...SPINAL TAP! It was their "mersey beat period" song. So let's get this straight: a farcical song by a fictional band was covered by someone else and used in a commercial. What does that make it? Is it a joke? Serious? The next time I watch This Is Spinal Tap, will I laugh, or be suddenly and inexplicably compelled to open a retirement plan?

It's a strange world we live, readers. A strange world indeed.

With a label that says "Vintage"

Since moving to DC, coming back to Winston-Salem has meant finding as much pleasure as possible in the unique part of both this city and the South. But now, the unique has extended to TV, as my newest TV addiction is as difficult to find in DC as sweet tea or grits. It's Junkin', a show hosted by two very genuine, very hilarious hosts, that's not only cry-and-clutch-your-stomach funny, but also shows the absolutely unbelievable world of junk sales. I found myself saying, "So weird" over just about everything they find. My favorite: a bunch of mugs shaped like body organs. Hot chocolate out of a mug shaped like a liver with a personified face? Mmmm.

So if you're down south and have the type of southern status that can afford you some of that there cable TEEvee, turn it on, and I can almost promise that you won't turn it off.

The meaning of The Great White Hope

It's been one of those days when the mind doesn't exactly come together. I've had too many thoughts that aren't worthy of this page, at least not the page as I want it to be: generally free of personal crises. My personal crises just don't do anything to help you—my beloved four or five readers—lift up your lives to neverending happiness and intellectual clarity. This, clearly, is what my site is here to do, especially when I talk about Duran Duran.

What I will tell you really quickly so you have something to take away for your future life enrichment is a hearty recommendation of the Ken Burns documentary called "Unforgiveable Blackness": the life and historical meaning of boxer Jack Johnson. If you're thinking that you're not into boxing or even sports, that doesn't matter. This story, one that I never knew, is much more about racism in the early 20th century, racism that is so horrifying that it ends up feeling almost comforting to think that such acts are so difficult to fathom in this day and age. Racial issues turn up in sports all the time, but however much controversy race continues to stir up, it still is amazing to think of a time in this country when sports events were held up as mini race wars, where the hopes of an entire race were openly and passionately put on a single athlete, and riots and murders between black and white broke out because of the result.

On a less serious note, I was told by a friend of mine who's big into everything Mac that Apple's new slideshow software has a "Ken Burns effect", where you can slowly zoom in on one part of a still picture, and it's great to see his genius being recognized beyond his documentaries. As much as people enjoy making fun of Ken Burns, he does an amazing job with everything he touches. In another 20 years, you'll have a full and nearly complete history of the United States from 1860 on made up of nothing but fascinating, moving Ken Burns documentaries.

Reunited, now it feels so good

Me and my digital cable got together last night (we're still in love) and it showed me something that I hadn't seen in a long time: Bands Reunited. As a matter of fact, I got to see the "Backstage Pass" episode that showed their greatest failed attempts. But don't believe the hype about the Smiths...their "attempt" was just showing up at a Morrissey show and yelling, "Morrissey!" at him as he walked from the limo to the door outside the arena. And they're surprised it failed? I know that one of the appeals of the show is surprising the band members, but with someone like Morrissey, couldn't they have just set up an "interview" and asked him then? Come on guys...do your research. This is a man who has people screaming out his name everywhere he goes. Why would he respond any differently?

I was reminded, though, what a great show this is. More than anything else, it shows how much being in these bands meant to the people in them. Watching these people confronted with the reality of these bands years after the fact is amazing, and often heartbreaking. You can see the indecision of so many of the people (and let's be honest: especially the bassists and drummers) as they're trying to decide whether it's worth it to dredge up a part of their past that they took years to put behind them, and to relive a personality that they've long since left behind. Whether fact or fiction, I've never before seen or read anything in my life that shows the emotional connection that people have with their bands, and how they carry those emotions years after the band has broken up. Amazing stuff.

That is weird, wild stuff

Johnny Carson just disappeared. Think about it: when was the last time you saw him? He retired better than anyone in show business. Here's one of the most recognizable faces on TV, and when he wanted out of the business he got out of it completely. He doesn't show up at awards events, he doesn't do toasts for himself, he's not all over the news.

Let that be a lesson to all of those other celebrities who whine about being too much in the spotlight.

No news is the norm of news

Flipping around the channels in the morning trying to find decent news, I feel like a lost kid on the street. I desperately want to ask everyone where exactly I could find a news show that has anything resembling substance. All I can find is people sitting on couches having insincere conversations about how their weekends went, anchors forcing disgust on whichever easy-to-swallow hot topic is out there, excessive coverage of celebrity trials, and a trail of soundbites so short that the BBC has banned them because they cause epileptic seizures.

The worst offenders are the two main CNN channels, which is most disappointing, because they were the ones who started it all and now they're the dregs. The CNN morning show is actually something to behold, because I've never in my life seen anyone say nothing with as much sincerity and intensity as the two main anchors. And then there's the crotchety old guy whose entire purpose is to be crotchety. But he's crotchety about such tiny trivial issues, and it's laughable (although not quite as laughable as the other morning when he asked readers to write in their opinion on whether celebrity trials are getting too much coverage. I hope he has a good sense of irony, though I seriously doubt it).

CNN Headline News is even more jaw-dropping. They've apparently instituted an all-gorgeous policy on their anchors, and I would be lying if I said that it didn't work to some extent. They're gorgeous. But in between the fits of drooling, I'm shaking my head at how blatant and empty it all is. The morning anchor, Robin Somethingorother, looking as though she's up for a night on the town, gets all giddy when she gets to talk to the Fabio-wannabe air traffic reporter, and it honestly feels like a set-up in a porn movie. But then, porn is everywhere these days. If I wanted porn, there's lots of other places I could go.

But I just want some news. Just a little bit. Please? Is that so much to ask? Is it? I know I can get it from the web, and that's usually where I end up going, but that's still no excuse for the TV folks to get rid of all of theirs.