No news is the norm of news

Flipping around the channels in the morning trying to find decent news, I feel like a lost kid on the street. I desperately want to ask everyone where exactly I could find a news show that has anything resembling substance. All I can find is people sitting on couches having insincere conversations about how their weekends went, anchors forcing disgust on whichever easy-to-swallow hot topic is out there, excessive coverage of celebrity trials, and a trail of soundbites so short that the BBC has banned them because they cause epileptic seizures.

The worst offenders are the two main CNN channels, which is most disappointing, because they were the ones who started it all and now they're the dregs. The CNN morning show is actually something to behold, because I've never in my life seen anyone say nothing with as much sincerity and intensity as the two main anchors. And then there's the crotchety old guy whose entire purpose is to be crotchety. But he's crotchety about such tiny trivial issues, and it's laughable (although not quite as laughable as the other morning when he asked readers to write in their opinion on whether celebrity trials are getting too much coverage. I hope he has a good sense of irony, though I seriously doubt it).

CNN Headline News is even more jaw-dropping. They've apparently instituted an all-gorgeous policy on their anchors, and I would be lying if I said that it didn't work to some extent. They're gorgeous. But in between the fits of drooling, I'm shaking my head at how blatant and empty it all is. The morning anchor, Robin Somethingorother, looking as though she's up for a night on the town, gets all giddy when she gets to talk to the Fabio-wannabe air traffic reporter, and it honestly feels like a set-up in a porn movie. But then, porn is everywhere these days. If I wanted porn, there's lots of other places I could go.

But I just want some news. Just a little bit. Please? Is that so much to ask? Is it? I know I can get it from the web, and that's usually where I end up going, but that's still no excuse for the TV folks to get rid of all of theirs.