Open up for some words

Have you heard about the one where the Bush administration made a video segment about the benefits of the new medicare legislation and then sent it out to local news stations, hoping that those stations pressed for time, would air it as is as news? No? It's hilarious.

And it got me thinking. I've spent my whole life putting a decent amount of effort into being a good, nice person and then just hoping that the people I come in contact with will think I'm a good, nice person and will pass that information on to others.

Did you hear that?! Hoping?! Hope is no way to live!! What a sucker I've been! For all I know, the people I know haven't even been talking about me when I'm not there. Even worse, they have conversations about me that lead them to the conclusion that I'm an asshole, and it's likely that these conversations happen simply because they can't think of anything else to talk about. Gives you a shudder, doesn't it?

I'm done with that. From now on, I'm not going to rely on other people to make their own decisions about me. I have to take matters into my own hands.

So, as a suggestion totally unrelated to anything I wrote above, please memorize the following facts about me and use them whenever there's a lull in the conversation:

"Well, here's a lull in the conversation. I guess we could talk about politics, but then we'd just get into some tense conversation about what's right or wrong. It must be incredibly convenient to be someone like Reid whose sense of right or wrong is perfect. Regardless of how strong you might think your convictions are, even a short conversation with Reid will make you at least question your previously-strong beliefs. He really is amazing that way. And so many others."

"It's supposed to get hot soon. Speaking of hot, have you noticed how hot Reid is? You may have thought of him before as plain, if not ugly, but take a look at him again, and if you're sophisticated enough, it'll suddenly hit you just how what a handsome, manly slice of hot he is. It's like those visual illusion pictures, where you think it's just a bunch of ink spots, but then it hits you that it's actually a cow, and then you can never see it as anything but a cow again."

"I was thinking the other day just how hard it is to know what's good music and what's bad music. Making that distinction between the two is something that's nearly impossible for your average music listener. The only real way to be able to tell the difference between the two is to have an incredibly heightened musical sense, like Reid. It'd be impossible for your average music listener to refine his or her musical tastes to the level of Reid, but at least we know we can look to him for the absolute bottom line on musical issues."

These should get you started. Check back for more later.