It didn't get much rest at first, the headboard banging in the night

This morning, instead of my being woken up as usual by Carl Kasell at 7:00, my alarm clock was my downstairs neighbor having Unbelievably Loud Sex at just a little before 5:00. If there's anything more unappealing than the sound of the beeping electronic alarm waking me up, it's the sound of Someone Other Than Me having sex.

In other news, I seem to have a new downstairs neighbor, and his name is apparently Eric, which is short for "OH ERIC!" I'm not sure what her name is, because he wasn't making any noise at all. It might be tempting to think that this is because he's a gentleman and, unlike his girlfriend, doesn't try to impress by being as noisy as possible, but this is wrong. He's as noisy as possible in every other way: the TV and stereo going at high volume through the night ("Look how impressive my sound system is!"), the friends over constantly and loudly ("Can you believe how many friends I have?!"). But no sounds of sex from him, which I'm assuming is not because he thinks he should keep it down a little at 5:00 am, but because he didn't want to talk with his mouth full, which I guess is mannered enough.

All this, of course, begs the question: what the hell are they supposed to do about it? How much are we (note optimistic use of the word "we") supposed to be concerned about how loud our sex is (I mean we as a people; not you and me. Well, depends on who you are) and use pillows to cover our mouths and hold back so as Not To Be Too Loud? On one hand, it seems to be asking a lot of control to be considerate of the neighbors at a time like that, and we've all had our moments of not being considerate of the neighbors if you catch my drift (which I sure hope you do by now). But on the other hand, why does sex always get a free pass? Why are we supposed to put up with our neighbors waking us up at all hours and couples putting their hands down each other's pants on the Metro just because we're made to feel like prudes for objecting to something that's as potentially as inconsiderate as any other loud and fun activity that we really should try to lower the volume on between midnight and 7:00 or take somewhere a little more private? Before you answer any of those questions, ask yourself if you'd feel the same way if the subject was masturbation ("Oh, Eric! I'm so good to me!").

Why am I writing so much and so bitterly this early? Well, because I was up at 5:00, remember? I think I'm going to go eat a bowl of cereal which will taste SO GOOD that I may just have to jump up and down in my heaviest boots on my bedroom floor.