The middleman is very busy these days
Sometime last week, just before going to a loud rock 'n' roll club where the conversations take place in loud blasts of breath just inches (sometimes centimeters) away from the face of your conversation partner, I made the mistake of eating a falafel sandwich that I had topped with all sorts of stuff that makes for all sorts of nasty breath. So on the way over to the club, I figured I'd take pity on the people I'd be talking to, and I'd freshen up my breath a little.
I'd say I got some mints, but this isn't really accurate. Breath freshening is apparently one of the more advanced sciences these days, and even the quickest of looks over the pointlessly vast and varied selection at the U Street 7-11 made me feel proud to be an American. You had your good old-fashioned gum 'n' mints, but then you've got those weird little strips and then these new little tiny tiny little balls that are just the strips in ball form. But they came in the smallest package, so I went with them.
Man, these things kind of freak me out. First off, how many are you supposed to eat at once? Not one, I hope. But then why make them so small? I threw a handful in because it seemed like a good idea.
Anyway, point being that there's absolutely no point to this. But when I saw this tiny little container of a few remaining tiny little breath-freshening balls on my desk this morning, I noticed that the slogan on the outside was "Liquid Ice", and my mind started going all MC Escher: "Wait...if ice is just frozen water in the first place, wouldn't that make liquid ice what the ice started out as in the first place: water? And water doesn't really freshen your breath, so then neither does ice, so why would they use the concept of ice as a way to think you'll have nice-smelling breath?"
The point is, I don't even know anymore.
10 comments:
duuuuuuude...whooooaaaaaa...
you gotta joint?
be a lot cooler if you did.
In my defense, I haven't been sleeping very well lately.
You're sounding just like Hillary Duff in the tv commercial.
Scott, I feel some shame in having a whole lot of pride when saying that I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Probably for the best, Reid. Probably for the best.
Eat that dead bear. It'll take ages for the falafel smell to return.
And, yes, isn't the wealth of choices in mints encouraging and inspiring? This is freedom, people. Free. Dom. Honestly though, when the free marketeers dig for success stories of extreme capitalism, such proliferation of candy choices are lobbed before us with zeal. Aisles and aisles of mints and socks--symbols of freedom. Conversely, the new spook story the right uses about big gumment is the bike helmet. "Do you really want the government to require your kid to wear a bike helmet? Do you?"
Sorry for hijacking this blog.
Fucking Marx, Eagleton, and Jameson...
Are you kidding, man? Hijack away! I don't do this to hear what I have to say.
Look, when I was growing up, none of the kids in my neighborhood (including me) wore bike helmets, and we turned out fine. That care-free feeling of riding down the street with the wind in your hair was one of the joys of childhood. Sure every now and then someone might fall off their bike, but nobody I knew was ever seriously hurt. The bumps and scrapes taught you common sense...i.e. "next time I make a ramp out of bricks and a board, I need to make sure it's stable before I ride over it."
Now kids have to wear full body armor during pretty much any activity (personally I blame soccer moms more than the government). They're separated from any real contact with nature by 3 inches of kevlar. The result is they wind up thinking they're invincible and never learn any common sense. Next thing you know they're wearing baggy clothes, mouthing off to adults, and dropping out of college to play in the NBA.
So no bike helmets, except for adults. We're not as agile and we're taller, so falling and hitting your head hurts more for us.
Scott, we also used to smoke and drink during the latter months of pregnancy. And we used to drive our cars over bridges that were out. We cleared the gap every time, but it was still dumb. Wearing a helmet while biking is a lot like using a seat belt while driving, or purchasing flood insurance for your house. You might go your whole life and not encounter a single situation where it came in handy. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to go without. I'd rather deny my kid the right to have the wind blow through his hair than to have to rush him to the emergency room with a gushing head wound and severe brain trauma.
I'm just saying.
Ever rushed a kid to the emergency room with a gushing head wound? It's a lot more fun that you might think.
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