Technology and progress let go of each other's hands

It's Memorial Day weekend, and, like all other good Americans, I'm celebrating the holiday with the traditional cleaning-out of my cell phone text messages.

Going back over these tiny, laboriously-typed messages is pretty fascinating. There's mundane logistical planning that reminds me of some good social events, there's some well-wishing and some catching up, there's the NFL playoffs and the ACC and NCAA tournaments in there, but most importantly, there's the crass hilarity that is the gift my friends give me on a regular basis. I'm including all of these here so that they will be remembered and preserved, and will eventually end up in a documentary by some future version (or clone) of Ken Burns about early 21st century America.

In order of appearance, with names deleted to protect the innocent:

1. How's it going Reid?
2. Good. In the burbs working. CI? Band?
3. Who-ston? HOUSTON!!!!
4. Xlnt! Don't wanna miss it!
5. 21 zip, houston! Stuck in traffic in nj. Boo.
6. U got me thinkin. What if lp's do die?! That would suck! :-(
7. incontinence? no problem!
8. !!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Did that really just happen?!
10. What a game!
11. Half price rothlisburgers
12. Looks ketchup on his sleeve
13. They're so good they bore me
14. Reid I just had to tell you i am here in utah listening to awesome bands. I thought you would appreciate that.
15. Still at the blue room?
16. We tried for parking but couldnt find. Give M a bday hug! Talk tomorrow?
17. Great. Should be back in dc by 6.
18. Best play ever man.
19. Tanks reid tanks. The worst is def behind me. Hope youre feeling better too.
20. Heel yeah!
21. What is the score?
22. Heelin' good my friend!
23. prince is in your pants!
24. thanks for the salami big guy. ole!
25. yer service sucks like w_____ on a college coed.
26. smear egg up your hairy pole
27. i loved your bris. any leftovers?
28. i've never tasted those kind of nipples
29. Cuntybollocks