MONKEY!

Something's wrong. My brain won't start up. First, it would just sputter and start smoking when I turned the key, and now it just doesn't do anything. Just sits there. Occasionally, I can get it going for a few minutes, but eventually it just dies out again with this nasty wheezing sound. I don't know what the problem is. Maybe it's time to finally throw it out and just go completely brainless for the rest of my life. I've been so close for so long that I can't imagine there'll be any measurable difference.

Since I can't think anymore, I'll just give you an interesting life lesson:

You're in a band. The band practices once a week. For a good long stretch, you would always order pizza before practice, but then you and the other band members started feeling like maybe all that junk food was making you tired and sluggish, which you don't really want when you're trying to roco. Besides, a couple of the band members are trying to keep their girlish figures. So, you reason, let's cut out the pizza and then we'll have tons of energy and reverse the weight gain.

But you forgot one crucial element, and that's the beer. You can't cut out the beer, because then you might as well not be in a band anymore. And what you forget is that beer on an empty stomach packs a mighty wallop, so that by the time practice is over, you're pretty drunk, and then someone suggests Mexican food, and, being drunk, you not only say yes, but find the heaviest, most fried item on the menu, covered in cheese and sour cream and guacamole, and have another beer (because you're drunk) and then you stumble home, laughing at your bandmates pretending to shit in their pants (which, of course, you'd never laugh at when you were sober), and you end up laughing so hard you actually fall onto the ground.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. That you might as well go ahead and get the pizza? That it's good that you didn't get the pizza, because it was really fun going to get some late night taquitos? I wouldn't know. None of this has ever happened to me.