The future is now!
When I woke up this morning, I was celebrating morning 7 of being in my new apartment, though it doesn't seem like it's been a whole week. I'm reminded that I'm still getting used to it every time I smack into the bathroom door in the middle of the night.
But besides the lower rent (my first rent decrease ever) and the patio, this new apartment is loaded with tons of high-tech features and all the latest conveniences of modern life. Let's take a look at a few, shall we?
The State-of-the-Art Burglar-Proof Front Door
Sure, there are fancy locks you could buy, and there's plenty of burglar alarms that you could invest in to protect your home, but what happens if the burglar gets ahold of the key or finds out the password? Say goodbye to your stuff. But in my place, even if the thief has the key, the door is nearly impossible to unlock! Granted, the downside is that it takes me about five minutes of jiggling and cursing to get in the door myself, but I think it's worth it for that extra level of security.
The Sink That Thanks The Little People
In what's clearly a tribute to Station Agent star Peter Dinklage and other of Hollywood's little glitterati, the bathroom sink has been built approximately eight inches off the ground. I'm going to have to buy a cushioned kneeler from a church supply company if I want to shave comfortably, but it's worth it to be able to pray at that altar of the shortest celebrities.
Sort-It-Yrself® Mail
Can you believe that back in the olden days, we used to trust common drunkard mail carriers to sort out the mail between apartments in a building? Who knew what ended up where?! Oh, I guess most of you poor slobs still have that antiquated, untrustworthy method. But in my building, the mail is dropped through the DirektDrop™ mailslot, where it pools elegantly on the floor of the foyer, ready for the first tenant home to pick it up and arrange it into EZPik Pilez™ for his* neighbors.
* no need for his/her here, because it's always me
The Kompakt Kitchen™
Remember the scene at the beginning of The Jetsons, where Jane gets out of the car, pushes a button, and the entire car folds into a mirrored compact? Well, that same technology has been applied to my kitchen, only it's never full-sized in the first place. It has faux-folding doors and can fit up to .75 people at any given time!
The TWO non-functional fireplaces
Self-explanatory, really.
Eat your hearts out in your anachronistic apartments, fogies. The only futuristic feature that my apartment doesn't have is this, but as soon as I count up the coins in my ChangeBaskit™, I'm totally getting it.
7 comments:
The sink is like a circus trick just waiting to happen. Some sort of Cirque de Soleil center stage event needs to happen there. Watch the Incredibly Bendy Belgian attempt to shave with a straight razor! I lived in a place with similar sinks-for-the-tiny, and the owner assured me that "people 100 years ago were much...smaller."
This makes me wonder, though, whether you're actually too tall for your own front door????
Sounds like that sink is the perfect size for me! Can I make an appointment to check it out whenever I can get back to DC?
Wow, we must have the same door lock system. Don't you love it when you've got your arms full of groceries or other stuff, and you feel like you're in a race to get inside before you drop everything?
BTW, I know they advertise it as a "non-functional" fireplace, but you can pretty much burn a duraflame in anything.
Indeed, Megarita, that sink was not made for the likes of us. Heather, you're welcome to come by and see the sink. It needs the appreciation. I mostly just swear at it.
Scott, I know all about duraflames. I burn them in my bathroom instead of scented candles, and in the cold winter months, they're much better than hot water bottles.
Hilarious blog entry. EZPik Pilez has me laughing. Makes me want to shout "LOL".
Now you just need some insomniac cloggers to move in upstairs. Or should I say, Organic Eardrum Stimulation: Keeps on a'workin when your eyes try a'sleepin.
RE: cushioned kneelers. Do you think that by stating "if needed, modicationscan be made" they would remove the ornate cross carved into the frame of the kneeler and replace it with a pentagram?
Made me laugh out loud. (Let it be known that I do not "lol".) But I want a digital photo of the tiny sink to accompany the text. Preferably with human for scale.
I'm not sure if you "beat" our first apt in Minneapolis. One of our closets had a closet! Actually they were the only closets in the apt. Wait, that's a bedroom? But doesn't a bedroom have to be large enough to fit a bed inside? Our kitchen was equally small: I had to turn sideways to get through it (and in those days I was a might smaller). And the final treat was the hole in our bathroom ceiling which soon enough began disgorging fecal water!
I think your two fireplaces wins though.
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