Thank you for burying me
When I mistook one crossing light for another at New Hampshire and 18th last night and stepped out directly into oncoming traffic, I was reminded of my mortality in one of those moments that we all have where it was all too clear to me that it's not at all guaranteed that I'll die quietly in my bed at an old age, that life is fragile and I could die anytime. And considering that I proved to myself last night that I'm one of those idiots who walks out in front of cars, I'll probably die pretty soon.
In that likely event that I'll do something stupid that gets me killed, I wanted to make sure that we've set a few things straight about my funeral. First of all, it's okay to laugh. As a matter of fact, I encourage it. As I said, it's looking pretty likely that I'll meet my end doing something hilariously stupid, and you all know I appreciate a good laugh, so I wouldn't want anyone sitting at my funeral choking back their laughter just because they think they're supposed to be sad. Go ahead and laugh. I would.
Secondly, I want to make sure we have the musical playlist exactly right, so here's the songs that--no foolin'--I want played at my funeral:
Belle & Sebastian, "Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying"
It's a little obvious, I know, but they are my favorite band, and this seems like the most appropriate song. "The State I Am In" would be a good one as well.
Barry Black, "I Can't Breathe"
This is, like, totally the best song to be buried to EVER. It's appropriately solemn (because as much as I encourage laughing, y'all better be nice and sad, too), but just when you were finally feeling the funereal mood, it'd occur to you that the song is called, "I Can't Breathe", and you'd allow yourself a little chuckle. It's true, you'd think. He really CAN'T!
The 6ths, "The Dead Only Quickly"
You should play this at the end, because, while it doesn't exactly jive with my more spiritual beliefs, we would need to end the funeral with something that reminds us that dying is perfectly natural. It happens to everybody sooner or later, so no point in being too sad. These things happen.
It would be swell to see some folks burn in hellAlso, it's only about a minute long, and by this point in my funeral, you're all probably getting anxious for the whole thing to be over and you can eat whatever food my Mom's made. (Aside to my mom: Can we have Greek food at my funeral? I LOVE your taramasalata)
But when they go, it's just as pleasant to know
That the dead only quickly decay
Anyway, thanks for coming to my funeral. I hope I died in as entertaining and/or shocking way as possible, like the guy I read about in North Carolina who was jamming with a friend, and when they switched guitars so that the one guy could be on the guitar better suited for shredding, some freak amp electrocution killed him. That made the news. Or maybe it can be some horrifying lesson, like the guy who tried to pry open some elevator doors and got decapitated. It'd be nice to know that, in my death, you all learned a little something, like make sure that the crosswalk light is really for your crosswalk. And look both ways, people. I can't stress this enough.
"Now it's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do..."
7 comments:
Did you just want the recordings of those songs played at your funeral, or did you want those bands to come and play live?
Not to sound harsh, but I hope I don't die before you...cause this sounds like a funeral I wouldn't want to miss.
The recordings are fine, but if you can get B&S on such short notice after I die trying to clip my toenails with a chainsaw, then go for it.
And it doesn't sound harsh at all, Scott. My funeral is going to be a blast. Wish I could be there.
I used to live on 18th & New Hampshire in that big white building. That place where new hampshire, q street and 18th all intersect is dangerous when your sober and probably lethal when drunk.
Well, good thing you don't drink, Reid!
You're leaving out a crucial element, HIN: being a bonehead. I'm surprised that I've lived in this neighborhood for almost a year and am still alive.
For the record, I was, sadly, sober. But I was on my way to doing some drinking.
And Hans, you're thinking of someone else.
uhm..well i dont really know you but i really think id like to come to your funeral..do ya think you could put me on some sort of list so i can be notified..
Sure. The more the merrier. And I do have a notification list. It's published in the paper under the header "Obituaries"!
Thank youuuu! I'll be here all week! Probably.
Post a Comment