Cleaning up the mess(ages)

Everyone knows and understands the expression "beating a joke into the ground". Most people translate the expression as a burial; a bad thing. But my friends and I think of it more as a planting. Once it's in the ground, it can grow and blossom and bring happiness for decades.

So in the cleanup of the text messages from my phone, you can see just such a planting and sowing of a purported joke that we'll be sowing for...well, forever. Follow its birth, its death and its everlasting resurrection. With lots of quality cussing.

1. Sorry I missed your text last night. Made it home safely. Hope you had a good rest of night and happy birthday!
2. Did you make it through the night?
3. walkin xtians folks to their care comin back
4. Never thought I'd care whether the Tigers win or lose.
5. Hello Reid, this is your boss. You've worked hard enough. Why don't you go ahead and take tomorrow off? (possibly needless to say, this was not from my boss)
6. So this is Texas. Hmpf.
7. You can't prove that.
8. landed
9. Je suis dans le Metro.
10. Je ne suis pas Francais.
11. Just landed bitches
12. Man, your girlfriend's driving me nuts
13. Just woke up bitches
14. Ya teaism at 11
15. BAR!
16. Going to sleep bitches
17. Awake. bfast in 10 Mins?
18. On my way to brunch, bitches.
19. Wanna come over and meet mom? And have a coctail, of course. Around 4?
20. Outta here bitches
21. Going to anguilla bitches!
22. Need water. But otherwise alive. What a rockstar weekend?!
23. Leaving anguilla bitches
24. Just leaving. On to the next party, rockstar style.
25. i know this joke is old but...HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES!!!
26. WOO HOO (this was from a friend who went to Wake Forest just after they won the ACC championship game)
27. I'm texting happy bday to hans, bitches!
28. Man, I've been drunk for about 34 years now! (this was in response to my message: "Happy birthday, motherfucker! Are you drunk yet?")
29. I'm in Newark, not Houston, bitches! (in response to my message: "When you get to Houston, go to the football game and wave at the camera, because I'm watching it")
    
30. On the plane bitches!
31. Just landed bitches!
32. I'll hit you with my fuckin' bell!

This last one was from a heartwarming Christmas story that goes like this: years ago, I was at Northpoint mall in Durham just before Christmas, and one of the Salvation Army bell ringers outside the entrance was a sullen teen, obviously pressed into service against his will. A friend of his was performing his friendly duties of making fun of the Santa hat, laughing hysterically and pointing, to which the Army teen says, "I'll hit you with my fuckin' bell!" Hey! Merry Christmas, everybody!