Internal memo (leaked)

TO: Are Seven Marketing Dept.
FROM: Are Seven Executive Board

CONFIDENTIAL

The Are Seven Executive board has two requests of the Marketing Dept.

The first is that we need a marketing campaign centered around the mp3s. We're going to need to clear out the existing stock to make room for the year-end mp3s, so we need to get across to our readership that they need to download now before the files are cleared out. The Executive Board strongly recommends cutting-edge, "action" language, such as "act now" or "everything must go".

The Executive Board also recommends the use of exclamation marks. Multiple marks may be used if necessary.

The second issue is, unfortunately, damage control. The readership has noticed the decline in quality of our writing, but they still don't know that the decline is because the entire staff of writers was fired over a sexual harassment complaint revolving around an suggestively obscene act involving an empty bottled water container, a frozen bratwurst, and a "tickle-me Elmo", and that the dismissed staff has been replaced by mail-order Russian bloggers.

Because of this dramatic change, the Marketing Department is advised to concentrate on music, delivered in posts that don't require a grasp of written English higher than a 3rd grade level. The Marketing Department will need to finesse the writer's language to de-emphasize that nothing but music and maybe sports are being discussed.

Finally, the Marketing Department should be advised that the Russians have stumbled upon the Christmas present that the CEO of Are Seven had bought for his wife and had hidden in the writer's room. The present was a holiday gift basket of machetes and hand grenades. The members of the marketing department are advised to take extreme caution when going down the hall to the bathroom.